Hi Rod,

Ok, now I've seen him again. I saw that same sunglasses guy tonight, out of the corner of my eye. I was on a busy street, and I looked over and there he was, walking away! I think it was him but I didn't get a good look. Maybe it's a music producer trying to give me a contract, lol! Anyway, I'm done with these meds - their supposed to reduce my anxiety, not increase it. What a shitty drug. It better be the drug - if I see this guy again I'm gonna flip. I hope nobody tries to fuck with me because I can be a violent bitch if I wanna be, lol. Paranoid, crazy Em, writing her spiral into madness in her blog. Soon enough I'm gonna be one of those crazy, ranting homeless guys with a cup and a dirty beard...well, hopefully not the beard. Maybe it's a good thing - lots of famous artists were nuts - look at Van Gogh. Now I just need to start cutting off body parts :)

I'll keep you updated, my dear.

Love,

Em van Gogh

Weird

Hey Rod,

I had to tell you about something weird that happened to me today. I was walking to my neighborhood's magazine stand and I had the weirdest feeling someone was following me. Like the hairs were standing up on the back of my neck, really! I turned around but didn't see anyone out of the ordinary, but then again it was a pretty busy street so maybe I didn't notice. But I just had this "feeling". It happened again yesterday when I saw this dude in sunglasses three times in one day. So of course I looked for him but I didn't see him. AHHH! I've been taking this anxiety medicine which has a side effect of making you a little paranoid, and its working wonderfully, lol! Oh, I guess I never told you I take anti-anxiety drugs, and sometimes anti-depressants. I'm sorry I'm nuts, but that's why you love me right? These drugs can be funny though if you're not used to them, one drug made me feel hot and restless for days until my doctor cut back the dose. Anyway, I wasn't gonna blog today because I'm in a rush but I thought it was an interesting story. Gotta go, I'll ttyl!

Love,
Em

Big news?!

Hi Rod,

Well, as you may know I've been sending out my demo CDs to a whole lotta people. Everyday I make a point of going to the local magazine stand and buying a new music mag and looking up new potential contacts, like producers, industry insiders, fellow musicians who have achieved some success, etc. I go hang out at the local 24 hour internet cafe, and look up new contacts on myspace, craigslist, monster, music websites, search for new auditions, gigs, bands, write emails, etc at all crazy hours of the day and night (the internet cafe is also, by the way, where I write to YOU). I also go to the post office and mail out my demo CD to anyone who happens to express even the slightest interest (and even a lot of people who don't, lol). This is a hard, competitive business, and you gotta always be working to get ahead of the next guy, who may very well be in the booth next to me right now, emailing the same producers, that bastard :)

Well, today all the hard work might have paid off! I got two new emails from producers who said they like my work and want to meet me - wooo hoooo! Two in one day - one alone is rare! I'm going to pause and do the happy-fun dance right now - you can't see me but trust me, and do it with me ..... ok, phew that was fun! So, the first meeting is on Wednesday and the second is Saturday. I will, of course, keep you updated Rod. You've been a fan since the beginning :)))))

Love,
Em

Chipper as a chipmunk

Rod -

What a beautiful day outside! This is why I love Los Angeles - its freakin November, and its sunny and beautiful outside. Rod, you simply must come visit L.A. if you haven't already - preferably when it's freezing and miserable wherever you live.

Today I went to Venice beach to chill and reflect, to gather my thoughts and refresh my spirit. It brought back a lot of memories! If you've never been to Venice beach, the first thing you're struck by is the odd, eclectic mix of people you see. There's the yuppie couples with khakis and sweaters tied around their necks. There's the meatheads with the wifebeaters and shaved heads, walking their pitbulls (whoever has more pitbulls is tougher, and therefore wins at life) - once I honestly saw a guy walking three pitbulls! Three! Imagine how tough that guy must be??? Him and his pitbulls could probably maul like 50 kids in an hour, easy. Then you have the punk-emo kid with the nose rings and black ensembles, the mexican families with the cowboy hats and boots and little tykes running about, the crazy homeless with their cups jangling and beards full of food, the crazy artists with their sidewalk setups, wearing hippie clothes and shouting about Bush and Jesus and love and war. The college to post-college dog walkers with their shell necklaces, frisbees, birkenstock sandels and weed. The teenieboppers with their booty shorts and skateboards, hanging around in loud, awkward groups. The hot bikini chick holding hands with the hot shirtless guy, both coming from tanning and on their way to the spa. The rollerbladers and bikeriders, walkers and joggers, trying to "exercise on the beach" because of guilt or quota or their hot date or their new diet. The Hare Krishna (which are my favorite) - with their brightly flowing robes and their tamborines, big groups of them just singing and dancing, and everybody else stops what they're doing (even the crazy schizophrenic homeless guys) and watches them. Sometimes people even join in. I don't know what they stand for, but it must be fun! Finally you have the gaggles of tourists, with their cameras and shorts and Walmart flip flops, holding their kids tightly by the hand and watching everything with a mixture of trepidation and amazement.

I try to figure out where I fit into this diverse crowd - I kinda just want to be that mysterious girl sitting there alone, kinda invisible, kinda aloof, that nobody really knows and nobody really comes up to. They just ignore her and instead focus on trying to better fit into the mold they've adopted, wrapping their sweaters tighter around their necks, or staring down a guy with another pitbull. She just sits by herself, silently watching everyone all day, close to no one but comfortable where she is, simply enjoying the sunshine. It's kinda like the way I've lived my entire life.

Love,
Em

Long time / my bad

Hey Rod,

I'm so sorry it's been such a long time since I last talked with ya. Really I'm sorry. I saw some reruns of the Twilight Zone and thought about you - I hope you're doing ok! There's been a lof of stuff going on the past five months, and I got into some bad, negative shit again which was just really stupid, but that seems to be my theme in life - "learn from your mistakes so you can repeat them worse than the first time", lol! I read over my last entries and the theme was "positive", so I'm gonna try to stick with positive this time, hopefully.

I had a tough childhood, and was often forced to fend for myself. I met a lot of interesting characters, I did some time, I did some drugs, etc (don't worry - it gets more positive). But I got to a point where I was tired of it, and wanted to start making my life better, and focus on enhancing the good things in life, the things that bring me the most joy. Like music, God, healthy living, exercise, good friends you can count on, jobs you can be proud of and can be RESPECTED for, simplet things like that. So, I tried cutting off all the bad things in my life, going cold turkey so to speak, but that did not work at all. In fact, I've been trying to make this transition for literally years, but nothing seems to work. It's hard to explain this to someone who's not immursed in what I am, who's on the outside looking in. I'm sure you're thinking - just stop all that bad shit Em, leave it behind, no problemo. That's kinda like a non-smoker telling a lifelong smoker to just quit one day, no problemo.

Let me try and explain it to you as best as I can. See, all these vices, I grew up with them, they are a part of my life and now they're a part of ME. It really is like an addiction I guess. Every time I try to leave them all behind, cut ties and start over, they find me somehow and pull me back in. It's just like that scene from the Godfather, where Michael Corleone tries to leave the family business but he can't get out - that's exactly how I feel, lol (minus the mob thing, unfortunately I'm not Italian)!

I guess you're probably wondering what all these vices are, and which particular vice I've gotten back into. Well Rod, I know we're good internet friends now, but I just don't feel comfortable writing about it right now. No offense. Plus I wanted to keep the theme of this blog positive, and that would only make me depressed again. Sooo, let's talk about something positive, like music instead - ok? OK!

So...I've written some new songs, and I'm gonna be performing at some open mic nights with a few friends - my friend Kate on the drums and Val on the bass. That will be fuuu-uunnnn! And maybe, just maybe there will be some hot-shot handsome music exec waiting in wings, who will whisk me away to his executive suite, where he'll sign me up for a contract and a global tour, and we'll fall in love (obviously), and there will be a beach wedding with a luau and an elephant, lol. I don't know why, but an elephant at a beach wedding would be dope. Don't you agree, Rod?

I've bought a bunch of new CDs and I'm trying to expand my range - there's a whole bunch of new CDs I wanna get as soon as I get some more cash. I love, love love "The Doors" right now - Jim Morrison was such an interesting and beautiful man, and their music was so unique! Did you know he used to drive crowds into a frenzy, just by standing there? Plus- did I mention I'm staring to learn piano! Exciting huh!?? A friend is letting me take a few free lessons on this beautiful baby grand he owns. It is sooo therapeuic I swear, and the sound is just divine - well not my sound yet, but hopefully soon!

Ok Rod, I promise I'll try and stay in touch more often - be well!

Love,
Em

rock star Em!

Hi Rod,

Long time no talkie - what's cracking? Today I've been thinking about what I need to do to advance my career as a musician. I've been spinning in circles for awhile, so I've decided its time to gather the troops, circle the wagons, take a step back (insert another cliche phrase here) and come up with a new strategy, because the old one doesn't seem to be working. Sometimes I have to remind myself about why I do anything, and what my goal is on this sweet earth - ready for it - here it comes - Music! But you knew that already... :)

The way I figure it, I'm already a few steps ahead of the game. Here's why - I can play the guitar. I can sing. I can write music. I've got the "look", the je ne sais quoi,so to speak. I've got a personality :) I'm a little older, and I've been around the business for awhile. I even have the last name of one of the most famous musicians of all time, so that's gotta count for something. Plus I recently looked up my middle name (a flower) and it sometimes has the name of another famous musician before it, so I'm destined for stardom, lol. I have contacts in the business, I have potential, and I have spunk - where do I sign? Ok, I know I need to do more work, so here's what I came up with Rod - I've written a new single, which I think is my best so far, and I uploaded on my myspace music page. I've got the name of a few more producers, and I'm working my contacts via email, phone calls, etc. It's just hard trying to do this when you need to pay bills, pay rent, make ends meet, work multiple jobs, etc. Plus I met a cool guy last weekend who said he's a music producer and he'd help me record an album, woo hoo! I sent him a demo so we'll see. Plus he's cute, so double woo hoo!

See Rod, my new theme this week is "positive". I'm gonna go drink a glass half full of beer and lay in the green grass, which happens to be on my side of the street :)

Love,
Em

meloncholy dolly

Hey Rod,

How goes it? Ho hum, well I'm kinda in the doldrums today. I guess that's why people write blogs. Who wants to read about the random, trivial shit people do - like - "I went and bought some Ben and Jerry's double chocolate ice cream and took my cat for some shots and bought a hot new pair of stilettos that I got on sale for $250, and then I went to the doctor for a checkup and some cream for my athlete's foot - BORRRING! I should just put my grocery list on here. And I don't have athlete's foot so don't you spread any rumors. People write blogs to vent, and that's more fun to read anyway.

So on that note - I'm still thinking about the teacher. Blah! I know! I'm a dumb girl, but it's human nature, and i can't help it - the hormones racing through my bloodstream and the happy memories are conspiring against me - they're making me depressed Rod! When I get depressed, I mope around for awhile, watch old TV shows, and eat chocolate. Then, I get pissed at myself and start thinking - "This isn't helpful Em." I saw that on Oprah. What you have to do is figure out the heart of the problem, and then make a plan to fix it - and all better! So, here's what I came up with - the heart of my problem is that I just need to find somebody freaking incredible to love me for who I am (which is, by the way freaking incredible - and modest too). Sounds simple, but that 's a tall order Rod!

No joke. Think about it, we're like 6 billion people on this planet, and we're supposed to find ONE person to love? How am I supposed to know who that is? And how is he supposed to find me? Do I need a beacon or something - like a giant, broken heart projected onto the clouds like the bat symbol? Maybe a giant projected vagina since that's what I'm being, although that will attract the same kind of guys I'm already attracting, lol! Fuck, I don't even know where to start. All I know is that the guys that hang out where I hang out are losers, so I need some new places to hang out. The thing that scares me is that I don't even know if I'll recognize the perfect guy if I see him. Obviously I can't trust my own judgement, looking at my past dating experiences (not even worth mentioning Rod, I'll just say it would be good material for one of those E true hollywood stories). Let me just say - I have been a dumbass! I've assumed 30 year old guys that work in arcades have their shit together. I've dated guys with mohawks and motorcycles who think women are just another bike accessory. I've dated aspiring rock stars who can hardly speak a word sober and only know how to play the crack pipe - which is NOT a musical instrument, by the way. I've had trouble with love, as I'm assuming most of us have.

At least its comforting to know that you're in the same boat as me Rod. Unless you're married. Then you can just fuck off!

Ok, just kidding, you can stay for now, if you buy me something. I kinda feel this perfect soulmate thing may be impossible - its like throwing darts at a board with a tiny bullseye, and you throw and you throw, and then your arm gets tired eventually and you quit when you get kinda halfway there -ish. Then you think good enough and take your darts and try and convince yourself and everyone you know you got a bullseye, and then you try to turn the guy you settled on into a bullseye, and then you give up, have kids, get fat and take pleasure in buying expensive pottery :)

I know there's someone out there for me despite my extenuating circumstances, and I just need to keep a positive attitude and keep putting myself out there. And pray, of course. I will pray for you too Rod, just in case you also happen to be single and ready to mingle. Now I'm going to get some chocolate ice cream and watch I Love Lucy. But I'm not depressed! And I'm not being a whiny bitch, so don't even go there.

Love,
Em

Tellin it like it is...

Hello random online dude!

I hope you are doing well. I'm gonna call you "Rod" now for short, because that's easier to type, and it reminds me of Rod Sterling from the Twilight Zone. I really like that show, and that guy was a genius, so consider it a compliment. I'm writing this late at night when I'm beat outta my mind and half-asleep, so don't mind the typooooooooooosss ok? I'm not being a whiny bitch about todays topic I'm just being topical, and telling you about what's new in the rich and fabulous life of Em, ok? Ok. So Rod, you ever have your heart broken? I mean, broken so bad that you start getting depressed and feeling like life has no meaning? Well, I have, and just recently too!

It's silly, you think you'd go through this routine enough times and you become an expert at it, like the an Olympic gymnast - strong, stoid, strong as a rock - you could break a leg without even shedding a tear. I've gone through breakups enough times I should be like Kerri Strug, but every time I feel more like a loser. This guy was named Kevin. He was a teacher, tall, handsome, athletic, giving - the guy even did volunteer work on the weekends! A catch, right?? He was kinda a momma's boy but a great guy, I really liked him. We dated for like a month. Then I told him a little about my past, and it was the nail in the coffin. Gone with the Wind. He hasn't called me back for two weeks, probably won't ever call me back. I cried for awhile, but I didn't want to throw another pity party for myself (fyi -a "pity party" is not really a party, major false advertising). Besides, how many tears can one person have? If there's a life quota, I'm sure I've exceeded mine and now I'm gonna have to start paying overuse charges, like with cell phone minutes. When you grew up like I did, it's hard to get a good man. This is just another reminder of why I need to get my shit together. I definitely want a family one day. I want kids. I wanna be a soccer, PTA, piano lesson mom. I really do! But it's not gonna happen with my current career. No way - and I don't want to bring up kids with all this negativity around me. That, Rod, is why I'm going to make it in the music biz. It's been long, hard road, but this business is all about persistence and longevity - and there's no one more focused and persistent than me! Music- that's my future! That's my ticket out of this shitty mess. I believe it, and God told me it was gonna happen, so it is!


Love,
Em